Star Wars

Bombardi Black thought up and wrote the script for Star Wars but thought the idea was trite, cheap and contrived. He gave the script to George Lucas because he didn't want to profit from such a ridiculous venture. He has considered the fortune Lucas gained "charity."

George Lucas owes Bombardi Black everything.

Halberd Ax

While traveling in the Swiss Alps during the 14th century, Mr. Black found himself in the midst of a battle between the Swiss Guard and some marauders. A warrior with a heart for peace, Bombardi intervened and prevented a death stroke to one of the marauders when he caught the head of a halberd ax with his teeth. Bombardi managed this feat with a custom made grill he got from Lil' Wayne (circa 2008). The spike part of the head of the halberd broke off in Bombardi's mouth. Bombardi kept the blade as a souvenir. Later during his journey, Bombardi grew tired of the clanking of his flatware and other metal devices as he traversed the country-side. It was at this point that Bombardi took all the metal pieces and determined what was essential to his survival. Even though he deemed none of the pieces essential (Bombardi only ever needed his own two hands [only one on a good day] to survive), Bombardi forged the superfluous cutlery and utensils together on a hinge along with the Swiss halberd blade. That's right, Bombardi Black invented the first Swiss Army knife.

Deep Sea Fishing

Once while on a deep sea fishing trip, the captain of the boat (S.S. Doosy) challenged Bombardi to see who could hold their breath under water longer. Bombardi and the Captain both jumped in the water and 6 minutes later the Captain returned to the surface (nose bleeding). Another 5 minutes went by and Bombardi returned to the surface carrying handful of pearls and an ancient flintlock pistol that he claimed he invented. The Captain was surprised exclaiming that the water was about 80 feet deep where they were and that the pressure should have devasted Bombardi's body. Bombardi then made it known that he actually is a mutant with gills and that the character Kevin Costner plays in Waterworld is based on him. The rest of the crew was surprised that Bombardi had a pistol and pearls and inquired about them. Bombardi then explained that the pistol and pearls were remnants of a ship belonging to Ferdinand of Spain...which he sank with his mind in 1566 (for personal reasons). The captain then paid Bombardi the 20 bucks he bet him over the breath-holding competition. Never the bragger, Bombardi declined to comment on the a fore mentioned incident.

Flint Locks to Gatlin Guns

In the Summer of 2010, Bombardi Black invented a time machine from playing cards, bubble gum, a paperclip, and the hair of a red-headed Mexican. He then used this time machine to go back and invent every gun from Flint Lock pistols to the early machine guns known as Gatlin guns. He named the Gatlin guns after his first love Juniper Gatlin. She was the first female welder in New Jersey. One of her finest attributes was a wooden leg made from a mimosa tree. The leg was hollowed out to hold crickets for fishing on Lake Eerie. It was later said that Bombardi never loved another woman more than Gatlin, but that he did have an un-healthy obsession with Angelina Jolie (and her brother).

One time...

on a November afternoon, Bombardi Black ordered a 72 oz. steak in Dallas, Texas. He ate the whole thing in a little under an hour. He then asked for extra bacon bits for his baked potato.

Months later, after the news of this accomplishment had spread throughout the world, Bombardi received an email from the championship eater Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi (former winner of the Coney Island Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest) congratulating Bombardi on his efforts and inviting him to Japan to be a sparring partner in the upcoming summer. Bombardi respectfully declined as he had already made arrangements next summer to tutor orphaned children in Paraguay.

You know...

Bombardi Black once sailed around the horn of Africa in a make-shift schooner made of barrels and propelled by bedsheets. (500+ thread count of course, only the best for Bombardi Black.)

During this voyage Bombardi guided his vessel using only the Northern Star, and taking the time during his days to perfect the art of Pearl diving, amassing an enormous amount of the deep-sea treasures. Bombardi later used these pearls as ball-bearings in a balancing scale used to weigh grain in China. Because of Bombardi's efforts the entire Chinese-Asian economy was saved from certain ruin.